Forever
by Shinikaru Betsujin Akuin
Summary: They thought they would last forever.. But they were wrong.. or were they?this is a fic based on real life experiences.. Rated T due to colorful language and implications of suicide and murder... mass murder...
1. Chapter 1

_They thought it would last forever. But as all that thought that… They were wrong._

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He absentmindedly stared at the same piece of paper he had been staring at half an hour ago; Xu became worried since it was only asking him to accept the vacation leave of a Cafeteria Lady. Until of course some one brought it upon herself to rouse the Commander…

"Squall, are you okay?" She asked, concerned about his well being. Xu fidgeted for a moment as Squall looked up and nodded. Something was wrong with those greenish gray eyes of his, she couldn't tell what it was but they sure were dull lately. In a few minutes time, he did sign the document, quite leisurely compared to the others he signed months ago. He rested his chin on both hands and pondered on something. Xu sighed and told him, "You can talk to me if anything's wrong Squall…"

"As if I would talk to you about my problems…" He said bleakly. "Yeah, figured as much.. But seriously, if you need someone to talk to I'm just outside." She said twisting the door knob. The ceremonious click woke something up in him, for he said, "Hey wait!" She looked back, with a knowing smile…

"Thanks Xu…"

"There we go… And I believe the Headmaster wouldn't mind you having a day off today, considering today's Sunday."

HE smiled and replied, "I guess I need it… I think I'm gonna to Balamb or whatever city we're near to… What about you?" The smile surprised her, but she immediately returned it with her own, "I guess I'll stay here…"

He thought for a while before asking her, "Wanna join me?"

Xu laughed and said, "Ultemicia really did change you guys, huh? No thanks though… Have to go see Sara…"

"Okay, see ya then."

Once she left, he took the gloves he was wearing, revealing more than a few cuts on his hands. He stared at them for a while, before opening a drawer and pulling out some alcohol. He poured the drink on his hands, feeling the immediate sting of them. HE returned the bottle and then locked the drawer, stood up and left the hell hole that he had been in since this morning.

_And maybe this is the last time I'll see this place…_

-----

He passed by a few of his friends, but ignored them as they did. He went straight to the parking lot, not surprised to see his car with a note stuck to the windshield regarding his now former friends. He knew who it was from and just threw it in the back of his car once he got in. HE started the engine, and before long was on his way to Galbadia.

_Have I become this much of a recluse to actually not care about that letter? _

_Yep we have_ said a voice in his head. _It's their entire fault anyway, so why should we care, right? … You are an idiot.. You should have just thrown it on the floor… If they come to check, at least there's a chance of them thinking you didn't see it…_

He had that voice there since before, when he first heard it, he thought he had become crazy, and with a few tests, yes he was at least half crazy. Schizophrenic, he was. The shrink said, that he didn't need immediate medical attention but warned him to be careful of the voice. He used to be able to block it out, but with his supreme alone time, he needed that voice to keep him as sane as he is now.

_I guess you're right… But I really should read that letter… I think it's about something important._

_Fine do what you want… just stop first.. I don't want to die yet… _

"Whatever" he said out loud. He pulled over near the city and then reached for the letter. He opened it and read:

_Dear Squall. Leonhart_

_I hate you. Yeah you saw it right, I hate you. It's really none of what you do… It's just who you are._

_You are a self centered annoying frustrating piece of shit. You don't know what you have till it's gone right? Guess what you should cause I'm gone. You are an annoying bastard who knows nothing of life and how to appreciate it._

_You say you're misunderstood, but how can you not be? You tell others to fuck off when they try to help you. You lie to them and manipulate them. Just like what you did to us._

_You felt like the replacement? HELL… We were your replacements for Sis…_

He stopped reading the piece of paper; _I don't need this now… damn her… _

_Well she was sorta right you know?_

_No I don't. I never know, remember? Because no one ever tells me anything… And shut up or we'll both die…_

_Whatever.. your loss._

He opened the door and fumbled around one of his pockets for a lighter before he got out of the car. The letter still on his hand, he lit it up in flames. He reached for a pack of cigarettes that lay in his inside pocket. He dropped the flaming piece of paper down the ocean, lit a cigarette, watching the water suddenly extinguish the flames before devouring it into the depths of the Galbadian Sea… Oh how he wanted the flames within him to be extinguished by some miraculous water… _There are no such things as miracles, remember?_

_Yeah.. whatever…_

He thought about actually jumping down from the cliff to the water… He released a puff of smoke before he pressed the _killer roll of paper and plant_, what Zell had called cigarettes, onto his palm. He winced as the cigarette burned through his flesh, leaving a indelible mark. He went back into his car and turned the car on… His phone rang, he ignored it as he thought it was just the Garden calling him back…

He said, "What the heck… Who cares right?" before flooring the gas pedal and falling into the uncouth darkness that lay many feet below him.

-----

_Now where are they now?_ I asked myself, I was looking around for my two best friends

_Geez… If I see Quisty making out with Seifer again.. I'm gonna die.. And to think they said me and Irvine were so bad…_ I involuntarily shuddered at the thought of what Squall had told me about Irvine. I didn't believe it, obviously, but I still had my doubts… _What if he was right?_

I shook the thought from her head, trying to concentrate on finding Quistis and Rinoa. _It's sorta weird though… We were trying to get Squall to open up to us last year… but know we're ignoring him? I don't get it.. What is Quistis and Rinoa thinking!_ I cursed under my breath, yes, Selphie Tilmitt does curse.. So don't make a big deal out of it…

I walked through the crowded corridors. I wondered why it was so packed, but remembered that it was lunch break…

"That's it! They're probably in the canteen!" I said, skipping to the caf.

Trying to get there, I swear, I almost got trampled either by the women chasing Irvine around (rather the other way around) or by Zell trying to get to many hotdogs at once. Sure enough I did see them lounging about in the SeeD room. Zell did have a stack of his favorite hotdogs, Irvine looked winded, Quistis… Well never mind about her… Rinoa was probably the only one who looked normal from five of them.. Five.. yes five I believe I can still count.. I just didn't mention the other blond that was sitting where Squall usually sat…

"Hey.. I thought only SeeDs were allowed in here?" I said, referring to the 6 foot tall blond. He smirked, I rolled my eyes at his arrogance. Irvine motioned for me to sit beside him… But the moment I got close to him, he reeked of alcohol. I reluctantly stayed in my place, not wanting to get a not only drunken Irvine, but a mad drunken Irvine.

Zell munched on his food monstrously, similar to how a T-Rexaur looks like while trying to eat a baby dragon. I guess he always was oblivious to the things happening around him, "So Rin, how's Squall?" He asked, perhaps forgetting that they were actually fighting. Rinny shrugged it off, not answering..

Seifer answered it for her, "Oh.. Commander-Puberty? Oh he's doing great you know.. Locking himself in his little hellhole of an office. Drinking his nights and _days away_, pretty much like Irvine, actually." He said pointing at Irvine who immediately retorted, "Ay'm naw druunkk.. Yuh juz wanna provoke meee.."

He definitely was drunk.. I mean how do you slur those words without being drunk? Wait.. Now that I think of it… No.. I must be imagining things.. Was Seifer trying to make Rinny and Quisty guilty bout Squall? No way… He must have some ulterior motives…

"Hey Seif, since when did you know so much bout Leonhart anyway?" Quistis asked, the way she said _Leonhart_ was way too venomous to believe… I guess they really weren't joking when they say she's the Ice Queen…

Seifer leaned back, head in his arms with closed eyes and said, "Oh just a while ago.. Have you see the way he drives? It just sucks now.. You can probably get drunk with just the smell of him around.. Wait that sounded wrong… In other words, what I'm saying is that he's definitely gonna die early, I mean he drinks and he smokes way too much… Way too early for even SeeD." He still wasn't looking at anyone. _He smokes?_ _No one ever told me about that…_

"Wait a minute he smokes?" I said, but the way everyone else was looking at me was asking, 'You didn't know?'… Suddenly a few chimes sounded, signaling an incoming P.A.

Xu's tense voice rang through the whole garden as she said, "Sara Matthews, Sefier Almasy, Selphie Tilmitt, Quistis Trepe, Irvine Kinneas, Zell Dincht…" She seemed to hesitate at saying the last name, "and Rinoa Heartily, you are needed at the bridge ASAP."

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Because they wished to defy time, Time destroyed them._

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I can't believe it.. He's gone…

FLASHBACK

"_His car was tracked to be on the ocean floor… Passers-by confirmed him being in the car, and driving beyond the cliff. His communicator is still functioning and has sent data readings that say there are no life signs. President Loire has already ordered his fastest vessels to search and retrieve his car and his body."_

FLASHBACK

He's dead.. He killed himself…

FLASHBACK

"_They recovered the vehicle and took out the last few video recordings from the system. It was taken before he… took the plunge…" He pushed the button and then everyone was silent. You practically hear a pin drop…_

_Squall flashed onscreen, his unmistakable scowl and scar confirmed it was him.. He murmured, "What the heck… Who cares right?" The numbers flashing around the screen meant that he had just accelerated greatly. More numbers came, saying the tires were unable to grip anything, after all they were now running on the air. Bigger numbers replaced the former ones, stating that there was a forthcoming crash._

_He closed his eyes… And then the screen produced nothing but static_

"_His body was not found inside nor anywhere near the wreckage. A large hurricane is preventing the Armageddon from searching the coasts for it. We believe that his body may have been eaten by some monster or may have washed up on Centra's shore. Because of these findings, we believe that he has committed suicide, and that there shall be no further investigations on his death"_

FLASHBACK

-----

I sighed as I entered the conference room… How much longer do I have to be here as the 'acting-Commander'? Can't they just pick someone to get it over with.. Cid had offered me the position, but I wouldn't dare take it… I'm probably the only one, save Seifer (which is very uncharacteristically so), that believes Squall to be alive.. I mean.. What if he wasn't wearing the communicator? What if he didn't drown?

I sat down on the in front of the humongous holographic model of Esthar, as the five other did. They remained silent, as expected. I monotonously explained where the new assassin may strike.. I wasn't even listening to myself, I realized later on when a person rose up and pointed a gun at me, only the gasps had brought me out of my trance.

As my SeeD training dictates, I looked at the face of the assailant, only to find that he had his face covered by a hat. When he spoke, it dawned upon me that this.. this was the very man I was just talking about! He was the assassin! His undecipherable and clearly mechanical voice echoed as he spoke, "This is a warning." Before anyone could do anything, he swiftly opened the nearest and largest window and jumped out.

I almost immediately ran to the spot where he had just jumped…

I saw nothing but the fluttering of his black trenchcoat and rippling of water… I sighed as I tore my eyes away, not believing that the assassin was right there!

When I looked back, I realized that I was now alone in the room.. It seems that either those that I was talking were cowards or in cahoots with the assassin.. Naturally it was the cowardly part…

The door suddenly burst open as 5 B SeeDs ran into the room, "I need you too scan for all humanoid life signs out of the Garden." I said to my wrist communicator. The SeeD at the other end said, "Sure, Xu!.. I mean Commander!" I dismissed the SeeDs that were saluting in front of me.

"Umm.."

"Sara, what is it?" I asked her, rolling my eyes… Why did she always have to pause like that? Holding me in suspense or something?

"Wait.. Can I ask, Commander, why we need to look for any life signs?" I sighed, mentally kicking myself for not explaining to her earlier… I rolled my eyes again, wondering if just a day as acting-Commander had turned me into a Squall… I shook that thought out of me as I answered, "The Centran Syndicate was, uncharacteristically, working in Esthar… Seems they sent an assassin to infiltrate the Estharian Government. There had been recent killings.. and well.." I said trailing off…

"Let me guess… The assassin was in the conference…"

"Uhuh.. How did you know?" She only continued, as if she never heard me say that…

"And he pointed a gun at you, said, 'This is a sign.' And then he jumped out of the window… Into what you thought was the sea… Didn't he?" She sighed.. as if she knew exactly who it was…

"So who is it?" I asked impatiently… I mean why does she have to do this anyway? "I don't know.." She said trailing off… I rolled my eyes, geez.. did she really have to make me this agitated? Wait… _Thought was the sea…_My eyes widened as I realized that when the assassin fell, it was nothing but an illusion… He must have just dropped down on to the Quad… He's probably wearing a cadet's uniform under his trenchcoat! Shit!

"Sara, did you close the Parking Lot's garage doors already!" I asked franticly… worried about the assassin getting away…

"Uhm.. no.. Why?"

"No time to explain.. just close it immediately!" I said, running through the almost empty corridors, footsteps echoing off the walls. By the time I reached the Garage, there were many brightly colored cars.. But there was one thing that caught her attention… There was a roaring black lion in the middle of the room…

It didn't move, save for the roars and swaying of it's mane. As I came closer, I realized it was nothing but a realistic hologram. When I was but a few steps away from it, the lion disappeared… What came out next mildly surprised me… A holographic projection of a large red dragon encircling the black lion, an eagle, a white wolf and a snake appeared.

It took a few seconds for my mind to register what group held that symbol… One who have been rivals with Garden ever since she came here…

Dark…

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_Instead of the wondrous hopes and dreams, the only thing that would last forever now were the what-ifs and maybes they left behind._

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_He closed his eyes…_

_If I had said sorry to her.. maybe it wouldn't have come to this… _

_Maybe if I had been more sensitive…_

_What if I had been more understanding?_

_Would it have changed anything?_

_He braced for the impact._

_No.. It wouldn't have…_

-----

She sighed, staring out into the balcony, ice blue eyes watching the equally cold sea. She silently wondered how the sea felt like right now. _Yeah.. Leonhart would know…_

Quistis almost laughed at the thought of the Lion when she chastised him for not going after Rinoa. It had been a slightly odd scene, at least for her, considering, then she still had feelings for him… Or at least shadow feelings… But when he told Irvine to plan a course for Esthar, she still believed that maybe someday… He'd come to like her.. After all this was the first time he took her advice on his personal matters…

But after she saw what happened in the Sorceress Memorial, her heart was utterly shattered, fragile as it already was. Her face held no feelings as she fought off the soldiers, no one but herself, knew what was going on inside.

But that wasn't the end… After they fought Seifer in the Lunatic Pandora, he took Rinoa to Adel, or rather threw it to the man-like sorceress. For a moment it looked like Seifer had a sympathetic and regretful look on his face.. As if he knew exactly how Quistis felt… But once the battle began, he disappeared, and his sympathetic look was replaced by a frustrated Squall that told her to stop daydreaming. Then she realized that he would never love her…

Even in her dreams…

-----

_He closed his eyes…_

_If I had said sorry to her.. maybe it wouldn't have come to this… _

_Maybe if I had been more sensitive…_

_What if I had been more understanding?_

_Would it have changed anything?_

_He braced for the impact._

_No.. It wouldn't have…_

_The impact never came. _

_His eyes flickered open…_

Exactly how many times I relieved this moment, only I knew… But it didn't matter… Whatever I did now, couldn't change the fact that I survived…

How long had I been asleep, I asked.. They answered, _3 months_… How did you find me, _with our Guardian Forces…_ How many do you have_, more than a hundred. _

No matter what question I asked, they answered patiently. There was only one thing they didn't answer though…

**Why did I live?**

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Pretty short yes..


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_It had only been 9 months, a week, one day since the defeat of the Sorceress that threatened the world.. Yet as the Shumi once said, "There are things in life that will forever change, the only thing that you can count on is change itself."_

This is by the way a flashback of sorts…

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**Change…**

That was the only word that swirled around my brain as I watched them, again from afar.. Like before, alone. Okay.. so technically I'm not alone, considering I'm with a few of my childhood friends.. Childhood friends meaning those I hung out with during my cadet days. You may think I never talked to anyone, but **trust me I did**… I wasn't much of a loner then.

People always loved exaggerating stuff, and I was a **victim **of that... I mean.. Seriously, I was chased all over the garden once by those annoying fan-girls. Now any guy would love to have a few people who liked them here and there.. but Stalkers.. That's a different story.. First it was just Jake.. but then the stupid stalkers saw me and well…

Well.. Let's just say they made me become the common misconception of antisocial… as well as the real one.

Do you what it means? **Antisocial**- A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often aggressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Maybe they were right in calling me antisocial, cause I sort of **am**. Just not the antisocial they believe me to be. I mean after all, I always did hurt the people around me.. It's pretty amazing that Jake and the gang can stand me..

Hey I'm not really complaining about Quistis or anything.. I mean if anything, I would have thought her to give up on me **years ago**, back when me and Seifer were on the same side… Clarification: Me and Seifer**Former** Best friends. It's just that we've always been so competitive. I mean the only reason we really stopped being best friends because I challenged him on getting Quistis. Yes I know.. Doesn't seem like me from what you know…

But I told you, we were **competitive. **When I did get Quistis, he got mad at me for no reason… That's what I thought.. Until I heard from Sara, or rather Alexa, as I now call her, that he actually had feelings for Quistis… It really ain't my fault.. He should have actually told me that he did the moment he knew...

Another example of competitiveness between us, have you noticed we have the same kind of weapons? I mean, there are tons more weapons that I and Seifer could have used, but no, we wanted the hardest weapon to wield, the rarest weapon to use especially if you were a complete beginner.

So yeah.. We were competitive. I'd love to say that even Rinoa was a trophy at some point, except that changed, I did like her. Just not as early as she thought I did. Wanna know something? I'm pretty sure you may have guessed this one already.. I'm just confirming it. You know that I went and rescued her from that Sorceress Memorial, I only started liking her then. Well.. whether she knew about that little fact or not, she got her revenge already anyways…

Oh and one more clarification, I didn't forget my past or theirs, if anything the GFs made me remember them, at least one GF did so. What was this GF, I can't tell you, all I can say is that only I know of it for very complicated reasons. Reasons I will not be explaining to you anytime soon.

So telepath, you must think I'm crazy for talking to myself, right? Cause I'm not supposed to be able to know that you're in my mind, right? No I'm not paranoid, I just have that GF equipped right now.. Hell I always have it equipped, How do you think I knew what I needed to get Doomtrain out? Or that I could draw Siren out?

Please, I'm not that much of a guesser.. I would have thought that you would've noticed that I'm calculating. That's probably the one and only real thing about me that you know… I mean the whole loner thing? That was an act.. A tactic… Still part of the competitive thing okay? Seifer was the bad-ass, I was the loner.. I mean who could resist that? I'm an asshole I know, too bad I don't much of give a shit. At least I used to.. Love to say it was Rinoa and the gang that changed me, made me care, but that would be lying. It was Jake, Alexa, James and Jamie, my childhood friends. I mean at some point, specifically when they left me, that just made me even more closed, more insensitive, more of an asshole. Oh and a bastard too…

And I know you're wondering why they were ever really mad at me in the first place… I know bad grammar, but do I care?

No it wasn't because I told them about the bet, the trophies or anything… It was more of betrayal really… I'm not that sure, but what I do know that Irvine started it. At least that's what Selphie said.. It was somewhere along the lines of using them.. It **was** true. Take not of that, **was**. I wasn't using them anymore. Life taught me better than that already. But it seems that Irvine's stuck in the past.. I guess I should have never told him about the bet me and Seifer had..

I guess life kicks you in the ass once you're out of the high and mighty phase, just to get you back into the frigging phase it's been nagging us to get out of. Ah the irony.

One question, have you ever been alone in a crowded room? A lot of people would have said yes to that question, but apparently not me, no matter how much of a loner I almost became. Not because it was a **crowded** room, but more of the fact that I always had regrets on me. Funny thing is I took pride in saying that I never regret anything. But in truth, I might as well regret my whole life. Cause everything was a mistake. A damn mistake.

I was never supposed to be a SeeD. I was just supposed to be some bored-out-of-his-wits-guy in Winhill… If only that idiot Laguna stayed back home. I was never supposed to be alive in the first place.

I was never supposed to be hired by the Damn Forest Owls. I should have walked out or something! Anything!

I should have never accepted the Commander position.

I never should have given in to the world's demand to save them from the Sorceress Queen they themselves made and helped.

Those regrets.. They're not even a quarter of what's always going around my mind.. Just imagine, everywhere you look you see something that'll remind of you of something you missed, something you weren't able to be there for.

Someone you couldn't… No, someone you could **never** be.

--------------

_Imagine your whole life as something **seemingly** perfect. _

I can't.

_Just do it._

Okay.. I'll try.

_What would it be like?_

A normal life. Military wars, sure, but mental wars.. no.

_Why? Did people ever play mind games on you?_

No. I **played** the mind games.

I can't help but think what would have happened…

_When? Your childhood? _

Yeah.. but more on the decisions I **had **to make.

_So, basically what you're trying to say is that you were never really given a choice?_

Oh sure I was given a choice, save the world or watch it be destroyed, of course with the whole world breathing down my neck.

_Ah.. Sarcasm, Jake told me that you were like that._

Jake? He put you up to this?

_No, I found you interesting.._

So what? Now I'm a test subject or something? From **world hero** to lab rat… Great.

_Labrat? What are you talking about?_

**You** said I was **interesting**, Shrink. Come on, with the mind games I play, I understand every single word played down just so you won't end up insulting anyone. I'm a lab rat, don't deny it. I mean how many **SeeD-involved-with-sorceress-saves-the-world-from-sorceress**'s can you ever talk to?

…

I'm right, ain't I? **Of course I am**.


End file.
